My past, present,……future?

The year 2007 started pretty normal. Coming back from
holidays, I had expected a busy last semester for my foundation year. Failing
to juggle well between study, assignments, drama practices and my responsibility
as class representative, I neglected the most important person in my life and
we finally broke up. I kept on studying after that, trying to lead back a life as
normal as possible. But it was really impossible. Fortunately months later, due
to my sickness, the misunderstanding between us was cleared and we were back
together, or I would regret for life.

Life passed quietly after that and in Jun I completed my
foundation year. My best friend in MMU knew how happy I was, to be able to
embark on degree life, something I had been dreaming of for years. But still I
was one step short. During the semester holiday, I went back for regular check
up in

Penang

hospital and again I received the
bad news that I scared the most: RELAPSE…This time around, I found myself to be
quite calm, though my heart had almost shattered completely. Why again? Didn’t
I have tried my best to stay as healthy as possible? I still remembered I was quite
disappointed and told my mum straight away that I didn’t want anymore chemo.

After a few days, I agreed when my parents suggested me to
have traditional Chinese medicine treatment (because having chemo was the last
thing I would think of). I stayed at the doctor’s place for about one month
before I got admitted to another hospital due to serious anemia. That was August
and I continued back the chemos. During these few months, patients came and
went (die), both old and young. I consider myself very lucky as I have my
family members and her accompanying me, but there are also some who have to go
through all these alone.

Character wise, I guess I have become a bit more happy. But
I still have a lot to do in honing on my interpersonal and communication skill.
The sudden/gradual change of attitude, may be, has to be taken place, after
realizing that my life can be reaching the end soon. Staying happy always may
actually help in my situation. So for now, I will have to do everything to make
sure that I can have ‘extrahuman’spirit and perseverance, to keep holding on,
and not be knocked down by all the bad news hurdled at me.

Year 2007, though not as smooth as I might wish, still held
a lot of sweet memories…What awaits me in 2008? New Year resolution? I wish I
have enough courage to face the odds, to be optimistic enough in taking
challenges thrown at me and fighting the war…finally coming out as a winner.

This year I will have a memorable New Year Eve as I have her
to accompany me”,

Hope everyone has a happy and healthy year ahead lo, Happy
New Year”,

Quite a few things happened since my last post. I coughed
out a lot of blood thrice,(on 6,8,9 December, in case I forget next time).They
stopped gradually after about 20-30 minutes. The first time I coughed them out,
I thought I was going to die, bz I could virtually feel the bubbles/bloods in
my throat and trachea/lungs(I didn’t mean to scare people). For the second and
third time I succeeded to convince myself that they were all ‘bad’ blood,
though still scared a bit at that time. The doctors never found out the reasons
bz the lungs looked ok after X-rays and CT-Scan. Ironically the lungs actually
improved a bit( a small bit only la”,) My right lung has not healed completely
since months ago. I can still feel the pain when I cough or breathe too hard, but
great that it has actually made some progress. 

The 3^rd chemo had jz completed on last Sunday and
it is my hope that I can get discharged in time for Chinese New Year. I didn’t
want my parents to celebrate Chinese New Year in hospital. The result of the 2^nd
chemo was not so good again and the doctors actually thought that no chemo will
actually heal my sickness as they proved to be in vain. But we insisted trying
one more time, as no chemo is almost equal to death eventually. So for now I
can jz pray that this chemo to be successful or the doctors may ask us to go
home/elsewhere. Straight away carrying on with bone marrow transplant is not
a favourable option as it has very high
risks of failure, considering my sickness and condition. But I promise I will
never give up until the last second.

Last week I was quite surprised to have two people saying that
I had changed already. Then I thought, ehm… may be a bit gua. You will know
whether it is true or not when you meet and talk to me next time lo:p

Merry Christmas lo, everyone!”,

Happened to listen to a new song by Shayne Ward ‘If That’s
Ok With You’ this morning. Like the rhythm, lyric…

Feel relaxing to lie down on bed, close my eyes and jz enjoy
the music,

Make me have the feeling that I am not a patient in
hospital.

The song kept repeating over and over again.

The scenes and the old memories kept flashing and
lingering in my head…

And the sorry is for u…

Hi everybody… .actually since my last post, I d decided to stop writing for my blog. Tat time I was really really sick. My lungs got infected very badly and I developed pneumonia, had breathing difficulty, persistent high fever and coughed non-stop. All these sickness really made me weak, both physically and psychologically.(now im much better d la:p)

About 5 weeks passed d since the start of 2nd chemo. But my blood count is still very low, including the white blood cells. But actually I consider it as a good sign, maybe this time the new WBCs produced are normal cells. My father kept on saying that we are going back soon, that im going to be discharged soon. But I think I still have to stay for a few weeks before im fit enough to be discharged, considering my lung condition. I don have a big hope, jz hope the result of this 2nd chemo is better than the first one, even a bit. I don dare to think of remission now la…

One very funny thing happened yesterday. For the past few months, the Potassium level in my body was always not enough(about 2.8, normal one is between 3.6-5.2). Then my mum wanted me to eat bananas. So everyday I ate about 3 bananas. Then a few days before I ate about 5 bananas and the Potassium level suddenly surged to 8.1. As the result doctor had to inject some medicines in my body to lower it and later checked my blood again to make sure it dropped to normal level. Feel funny, for months we hated when I had to be given drips and tablets to increase the Potassium level. So when the doc suggested to eat bananas, I began to keep on eating bananas. Now the bananas are nowhere in sight and the patients around me oso scared and lowered their bananas intake d:p

Think im going to continue this blog la, but only update it once in a while lo. Now although I still have a very long way to go, I become more and more confident that im going to recover fully, for my family, my friends and a special someone who is always waiting for me:)

I am very grateful to my sister for accompanying and taking care of me for about 3 months. We argue occasionally but its normal la.so thanks lo, cao ping ping kia:p

P/S : I have changed my emails to wy_yeoh@yahoo.com and wy_yeoh@hotmail.com. Those previous email accounts I will no longer use lo”, and my msn account is wy_yeoh@hotmail.com. I seldom play, but feel free to add me la”,

Hi, jz want to tell all my friends who care about me, i have high persisting fever since a few days before. i thought its my ulcer problem but the doctor today said may be its due to my sickness.the result of first chemo is not so successful and the bone marrow result is horrible but im not going to reveal the percentage here. and the next chemo should be near and the drug is much more stronger than the first one and think im not going to have the energy and mood to switch on my laptop. will only continue my blog after a few more weeks…take care!",

老伯伯,我并不认识您,也不曾与您交谈.那天,你的床位被调到我的对面.看见很多匆匆忙忙的人.几个大人在帮忙整理及摆放您的日常用品.您应该70多岁了吧.苍老的身躯,憔悴的面容.年轻时您应该为您的家庭奋斗及付出不少吧.但您可以欣慰了,您的子女都很孝顺.常常听见您的女儿对你说话,都是广东话, “ 爸爸啊爸爸..你哪里痛啊…喉咙总痛不痛?….总有哪里痛…爸爸啊爸爸..”虽有助听器,但您似乎还听不清楚…女儿耐心的再说: “爸爸啊爸爸…这不无关喉咙的事,是血的问题…你要坚强啊…我们都知你很辛苦,你要忍耐点啊…爸爸啊爸爸…你祈祷耶稣救你啦,不让你这样痛…爸爸啊爸爸…”您的回应很模糊.

老伯伯,您身体一定很不舒服. 很多时候你一紧张, 流鼻血,气喘的声音,我们个个都听得到, ,但却又帮不上任何忙,我尝试举高点报纸,可我耳朵却还听得见.您对您儿子说您喉咙很痛,
连吞口水都疼.我当时很想走过去,对您说,
老伯伯,我了解您的痛啊,前几个星期,我也是这样子,但我现在也好了,您忍忍吧…

 老伯伯,幸好您容易入睡,一下子就听到您响亮的打鼾声.睡吧,
老伯伯,这样可以减轻您的一些痛苦.可是一到了晚上,是您最辛苦的时刻,一两个小时,您说您要去厕所,说你背痛,喉咙痛…您与您的小儿子都辛苦了.他白天要去上班,晚上来看护您.幸好还有其他儿女轮流照顾您.

有几次,您的背痛了,看见您的儿子蹲着为您捶背,看了有些感触.每次您痛, 气喘时,心里都会默念
“阿弥陀佛”佛号.虽帮不上多少,却都出自诚意.

昨天上午,你的呼吸变得很困难.护士们把您转到另一边,比较容易照顾您.下午,当我和法鼓山的师兄师姐们在交谈时,听到了这个厄讯,您与世长辞了.心里突然升起一股错鄂,惊讶,无奈…

老伯伯,虽然我们信仰不同,但我希望您已到达天国,一个您向往已久的地方,过着无忧无虑,快乐的生活…

 再见了, 老伯伯…

Best friend,
U have roles more than that. Closest companion. Most crucial
motivator…
Ur smiles chase away all the unhappy cells in my body.
Ur
the first shelter I rush to when I feel down,
when the world seems going against me.
Do u know u have one ability? To turn me from sad to happy,
jz within seconds.
Will always be grateful, when I first got to know u in our primary school.

Never angry in front of you, dunno why…
And im a better person in front of you too.
Grumble a lot to u , actually should use the word ‘everything’.
Happy, sad, despair, disappointed, pain, bored, lonely…
I have no secret which I never tell u. Hope u  don mind, i  know u wont.

U stay with me, at the darkest moments in my life
I remember the nights u accompanied me, in the hospital.
I remember everything u have done for me,
and I have never taken them for granted.

I have mountains of stories to tell u.
But I cant expect to see u every week.
U have ur responsibilities and works to do,
So I never ask u to stay longer. Although deep inside my
heart, i wish.
I know ur
independent and brave,
but I still worry about u, but I never told u.
Whenever u left, I will wonder when we can meet again.This, I never told u too…

Still, thank you.
for everything u have done for me.
For every tear u shed for me, for all the sleepless nites bz
of me.
For every surprise u had planned for me.
For taking care of me those few years,
when I was struggling with the never-ending turmoils within
myself;
when I was lost, groping in the dark,
like a shaky wooden raft in the midst of the deep ocean,
with the endless surges of tide and wave.

Thank you, for all the paper swans u made for me when I was
in ICU.
U told me there were words on them.
But I never really opened and read them.
Scared i  couldn’t  fold them back, scared i will waste ur  efforts and hopes.

I told u once that I like rainy days.
Dream of leaning against the windows together,
gazing at the ever-changing ripples,

looking at the rains splashing upon the running passers-by,
enjoying the misty cool atmosphere,
finding the rainbow after the rain stops.

Wonder what will happen if we never meet each other before
Its fate that I cant go to German. But its ok.
I was given sth else, sth much more precious.
More precious than the rarest diamond in the world,
more precious than the highest glory and success a person can ever achieve.

Hope we will still have time, and chance,
when we can stroll along the beaches, seeing the sun sets,
like u once told me.
Im looking forward to them too, but I cant do it now.
I promise u those days will come eventually,
when we can pursue our dreams together.

We have some great moments together,
Every single memory,
I will always try to remember and cherish them, will u?
And may be one day when we get old,
We can look back, pleased and contented.
We have gone through all those together,
and are still sincere to each other.

May be sometimes we will argue, have some misunderstandings.
Sorry for my stubbornness for not bowing down
But I hope they had past.
Some of the misunderstandings are gone.
But some, are still like a stubborn deadlocks.
Hope everything will be back to the way it once was.

U persuade me, times and again, never give up.
U implied, one time, “how about me?”.
Sorry I still sticked to my decision at that time, refused
to bow down.
But now, I change my decision d, for my family… And u.
I pondered, and struggled a lot to reach that decision. Can
u feel that?

Relapse is a bad omen. It means a lot of uncertainties.
Mean my body cant take it anymore.
The initial expected result from chemo is yet to be seen.
the blood level has no sign of recovering,  after more than three months, since May.
Packages of bloods and platelets had been transfused to my
body.
But I cant keep relying on them forever.
So this is why this is written. Jz in case.
To let u know how I always feel,
before its too late.

U feel that our gap becomes wider and wider?
But u should know we are not like before d…
U doubt ur position in my world?
No, ur
position in my heart will not be nudged even a little.

We are still best friend, Is this what u want?
I will respect it, no matter what ur decision are.
For I have no more courage to say it again.
I cant even take care of myself now,
And the future, one again, looks so dark and uncertain.
Will u be there for me, like last time?

Will still sometimes ponder about our life together,
Its my fault, I never appreciate it
Although the feeling may not the same again
or be there anymore.
May be we will be apart forever,
But the sweet memories will stay,
Together with this writing
Hope u understand
I finally wrote it down.
And i shall keep this post, until time immemorial…

p/s:sorry for sounding abit cheesy sometimes…but i had made some efforts d",

Last time, the nurses in the ward I stayed were mostly
Chinese. And while here the nurses are mainly Malays. But I tell u, they are
all equally nice and kind:) Or should I say most of the medical personnel I have
met, including those who send us food. Except may be a doctor in the emergency
ward who examined me when I first arrived here at the middle of the night. The
way she pricked at my hand to take my blood sample, and the way she used that
big needle to ‘suck’ the blood out, was rude (sorry for saying bad thing about
others). I have to use the word ‘suck’, bz virtually u can imagine her
movements at that time. And u know what, I told my mum straightaway, after
that, that I don want to come to this hospital again…U see, I still haven  admitted in the hospital and I d faced this kind
of thing. It’s a nightmare. This may explain why some / many people scare of
staying in hospital. My veins are generally very small. Think is due to
excessive pricking last time, side effect of chemotherapy or may be lack of exercise
around my arm and wrist. So whenever I have a blood test, it will mostly be a
very painful experience. Only the super experienced one will find the vein at
the first time, most will take twice, some thrice! Can u imagine that?! But here
I don face this problem d bz the doctor takes the blood through my chemo port.

By the way, today a nurse came to clean the dressing around
my chemo port. (act I have a lot of medical terms that I dunno. If got any
wrong, plz correct me cz I need help, a lot of helps!). She really took a lot time
to clean it. Some old blood stains refused to go away after a few efforts. Only
after applying some spirit that they worn off eventually. In the process, she
constantly asked me whether it’s painful or not. Personally, I think I had had
some great experiences of pain. So for some small pains, I will always try to
say ‘no’. And she asked me some personal questions too le. The whole process
took about 10 to 15 minutes and I thanked her before she left. Thanks for her
patience, her kindness, her caring attitude for her patients, her
professionalism in carrying her jobs”,

Writing until here, suddenly
remember other young nurses of my age who I got to know when I was in Penang there. Will always cherish and remember their
kindness. And I actually still keep in touch with one of them. When we first
met, we talked. Then she asked me which artist I like, what kind of songs I
usually listen. I think I said Jay Chou and….Then she suggested to borrow me
some cds. I don really say anything at that time. And days later, she really visited me again
with Jay chou’s original cds! To me, she is so kind. A stranger that I met for
first time, and the next few days, she borrowed me her favourite cds o…. This
is one event that gives me a very lasting, good impression on her. She smiles
and laughs a lot. I admired her a lot, for her happy attitude and optimistic perspective
on life. So to me, she can be liken to an angel in a blue and white uniform who
gives me some rays of hope when I was quite down, at the time when I first knew
about my sickness…Other nurses are good too, but only write a few la.

Suddenly remember there is a
song,小护士 about lovely nurse from
Mayday’s 5^th  album神的孩子都在跳舞
(yap, im a big fan of Mayday:) ).So, for all the nurses, thanks lo!:)

p/s : for anybody who can teach me
some common medical term or has the relevant sources , plz contact me cz I need them a lot now”,

a short dialogue between me and a voice whithin my heart

Hei, yeoh chun chong, why were ur cheek so red this morning? do u have fever? feel  warmth inside ur body? no a, i don think so..wa, i have never seen ur cheek so red, so healthy…suddenly think of the word ‘rosy’, this is the word used by those great masters,rite?:p its so much different from those normal days, when u look so pale,like..looking at the mirror, its true!same like what mum had described. the uncles and aunties nearby  noticed it oso o..ehm, i know d,ur happy today.bz the whole morning u have written many things, and u feel so happy, to be able to express ur feeling? See, the effects of being happy  are so great.u will post them all  later on, rite? Although it lasted for a few hours only,keep doing that la and be happy always , and u will get better and better each day:)

hei, everyone, want to share some funny pictures…although think they are  computer-generated ones, they are still worth a smile, or many:)jz click the following link la",

http://vip.6to23.com/bxhshmily/manhua/py.htm